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“Many people claim coffee inspires them, but, as everybody knows, coffee only makes boring people even more boring,” Balzac once observed. He might as well have been describing me. To talk about the subtleties of macchiato, wince at a friend’s homemade brew, come late to an appointment because of long lines at the siphon bar—all things I’ve done in recent months—will guarantee you’ll have a place in coffee heaven and be totally insufferable on Earth. The good news is that even sanctimonious coffee bores must lapse: The flesh is weak, the day is full, and Starbucks is just half a block away.

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